Hold My Hand Read online

  “Don’t fidget. I’ve mentioned how unflattering it was before.” William commanded and I immediately obeyed as if on instinct alone. My squirming ceased and he smiled. Relieved to see his happiness, I sighed. If I were a piano, he’d be my maestro and I’d want nothing more than to play beautiful music at his hands.

  It was as soon as I laid my napkin onto the table that William turned serious. “You’ve decided that we can have a relationship.”

  “Yes.” My eyes rested on the napkin that I’ve replaced on my lap. “It’ll be my first.”

  “Your first relationship?”

  “Yes. Of course you already know the other.” I was certain my cheeks were now flaming in embarrassment.

  “The other? You mean the submission?” He mocked me, aware I didn’t want to speak the words. Maybe he thought to draw me out with his questions but I was too well trained to speak more than necessary. You never have anything useful to contribute.

  I shook myself from my thoughts to answer. “Yes, the submission,” I paused to steel myself for my next admission. “I’m worried I won’t make you happy. I’ve no experience.”

  “You’ll make me happy. You already have. I’ve already told you I’ll teach you everything you need to know. Together, we’ll each be more than satisfied,” he paused and I was all too aware of his eyes burning into me but I couldn’t look up of my own volition.

  William reached across the table and his fingers stroked my chin before lifting it upwards. My eyes remained downcast but I could see his lips now. He licked them before he continued speaking, “I‘ll explain exactly what I expect, what I want and when I want it. And my instincts tell me you’ll become good at giving it to me.”

  “And if I don’t, you’ll p-punish me?” I almost didn’t get the word out. Punishment goes hand-in-hand with pain and I don’t like either of them.

  “Yes. I’ll punish you, and you’ll learn from that as well. But remember I told you,” he paused, licked his bottom lip and pursed his lips, “it’ll hurt. Discipline isn’t meant to be pleasant, only to teach a lesson.”

  William shifted his body closer to me, so close I felt his heat, his warmth. “My sweet Aubrey, I’ll show you heights you haven’t even imagined. Just as you’ll give me everything I need, you’ll be everything I need.”

  A piece of me screamed to flee, to run as far away as I can. However, a larger part of me screamed louder to embrace this man promising me the world. I sensed a closeness to freedom I’ve never experienced before. This thought confounded me since I was surrounded by his presence. I was most certainly not free. William was all around me. His intensity enveloped me and like a hungry vagrant, I scurried to gather it closer to myself. Forcing my eyes upward to meet William’s gaze, I nodded –just once– and he smiled. He didn’t realize in this simple gesture, he’d already given me more than I hoped.

  “You are perfection.” William took my hand in his, stroking my inner wrist with his thumb. It was soothing and I allowed myself to lean towards him. Our lips so close, our breath mingled. His nose brushed along my cheek and I heard him take in a deep breath. I shuddered at the realization that he was breathing me in.

  For the longest time, we were both silent. I was frozen in place, deliberately still as William’s presence, the gentle brush of long fingers along my shoulders and neck paralyzed me. With my eyes cast down, I watched from the corners of my eyes as his fingers stroked my skin. Each touch left me tingling, a heat drawing to the surface of my body.

  “Aubrey, my sweet girl, you are perfect and you’re so naïvely unaware.”

  I felt his smile against my cheek and shivered, “William, I don’t know what to do.”

  “Simply feel. This is the wonderful part in all of what I want to give to you. You need only feel everything with that heart of yours.” His hand moved lower to rest above the beating of my heart. I was near certain it would leap from my chest at any moment but there was no fear because I was also certain William would catch it.

  “I’ve watched your gentle spirit for months now.” William’s lips brushed along my ear so that I felt his words more than heard them. “Your heart is as beautiful as your body. I want only to nurture that, to allow you to embrace every emotion as vividly as I know you crave. I’ve noticed the books you read on your breaks –I see the deep romantic you are at heart– and this is what I plan to give to you.”

  His pause was longer this time as his hand stroked lower to massage my breast before running it along my side and resting on my hip. His other hand came to the side of my face, cupping my cheek and forcing my chin up. His gaze so intense, my body betrayed me with a blush. “Yes, you’ll fit so perfectly into my world.”

  I swallowed down my insecurity and cleared my throat, “Y-Your world of dominance and submission?”

  “That, yes, but I’ve told you it’s more than just that. I see you in my life, Aubrey.”

  “We’ll date? Real dates?” I forced myself to ask though I was feeling so incredibly uncertain and awkward. No one will ever want a fat, ugly girl. I heard my father’s words in my mind but still, I needed to know what William intended. Though it hardly mattered because I’d likely take whatever he had to offer me. William had ensnared me in his net and I had no desire to get free.

  “Yes. We’ll date at first.” He chuckled and his eyes fired bright for a moment before he regained his composure, “And I suspect we’ll move quickly on from there. I want it all, Aubrey. I want to see you in my home, by my side, in my bed.”

  “In your home,” I repeated this phrase, stuck on its meaning, “to – to live with you?” My palms turned sweaty, I was certain my entire coloring blanched. I straightened my back against the chair so William could no longer reach me. This was all happening very fast.

  “No, sweet Aubrey, don’t pull away. Don’t fear us,” he shook his head, “it’ll all happen at a pace you set. I just sense we’re right for one another. You’ll be ready over time. I’m convinced of it.” William paused to pull me back towards him. “In fact, you assured me of this when you agreed to see me. All else will fall into place.” His words stopped any residual fear I might’ve held. I could feel his confidence and allowed it to fill me. The fear faded and in its place, a feeling of safety filled me. He made it all sound so simple.

  William pushed his chair away from the table to stand and then offered his hand. I didn’t hesitate before placing my hand in his.

  *****

  When he seated me on the edge of the chair nearest the fireplace and began to stoke the embers of the fire, I kept my eyes cast down. He made me nervous, those same nerves I felt once living under my father’s roof. No, I reminded myself again, not those nerves exactly. William told me I was beautiful so I know it’s not the same. He was nothing like my father though that tension –the tiny feeling of inadequacy I can’t quite shake- was so similar; I shied away from his gaze. Yet at the same time I craved William, his presence completely overwhelmed me.

  He moved behind me, seated himself with his legs on either side of my body and pulled me down to him. My back to his front. My heat to his heat. My body to his body. I shivered, wanting nothing more than to be what he wanted me to be. I assured myself my desire to please was different this time. I was already pleasing William. He told me as much and I believed him. After all, I had to believe in something.

  His fingers on my shoulders distracted me. “You’re so tense, sweet Aubrey. Won’t you just relax in my arms tonight?”

  “I’ll try. I don’t relax often.”

  “No, Aubrey. Your answer to me is yes, sir.”

  “Yes sir,” the whisper floated from my lips on a sigh. It was such a certain response, it left no room for me to fail or disappoint. I found comfort in the statement and relaxed into his body.

  “Good. Well done.” His affirmation bolstered my confidence. I’ve not received many compliments that I can recall and it felt nice. I couldn’t help but smile while the pride at such a simple act made my chest feel tight.
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  William aligned his body against mine so that I could feel him as part of myself. Then I realized he could feel every inch of me against him. He could feel my imperfections. I tensed, wondering what he’d think of me when he got a closer look. I was no longer overweight but now I was slight and never held any real beauty. When he realized this, my time with him will most likely end.

  He molded my shoulders and back with his strong fingers. “Relax into me and let me take care of you,” William tickled my neck with his words and a tiny shiver ran along my spine.

  “I thought it would be the other way around.”

  I felt his laugh against my neck. “You think too much. Time for thinking is over. Now simply trust in me to take care of you.”

  His warmth enveloped me. I was caught in him, absolutely ensnared by all that he was. I shivered as his words –his heated breath- brushed down along my spine. They invoked a frisson of awareness in me that built my need for him, my desire. Though there was still the rational part of me screaming that what I desired was so possibly wrong, I couldn’t resist him. Why would I want this man I hardly knew to command me? I couldn’t deny he created this desire within me, a craving for his guidance and domination. I craved the simplicity of only needing to follow.

  “Did you read through the documents in the folder Baylor gave you when you arrived?"

  "Yes," I answered. I felt a slight pinch to my shoulders and I rephrased, “yes sir.”

  “I’d hoped they would give you a better knowledge of my lifestyle, of my expectations of a relationship. I wanted to be clear on the requirements.”

  “They were instructional.” I chose my words carefully because I found myself again in unchartered waters, that feeling of drowning beginning to take hold again as I navigated this new world of William’s Dominance and submission.

  "And you still agree to my proposal?" His hands paused from massaging my shoulders and waited for me to answer.

  "Yes sir," I answered.

  "You'll submit to the background check, blood work, and physical grooming?" These were all detailed in the forms I’d read through. Nothing shocked me. In fact, they made me feel oddly protected. All of these were required if I was to become his submissive. In addition, all his records were included for me to review. He had thought of everything – already caring for me.

  “Yes sir.” I smiled as my thoughts strayed to how lucky I was that William had found me. Perhaps my father wasn’t right in his prediction of my unfortunate future. I shook the thought away, unwilling to hope for too much.

  “Birth control – you will agree to the shot?”

  “Yes sir; but won’t we date first before that’s necessary? I mean, we won’t have sex right away, will we?”

  “I find myself very attracted to you. I consider watching you all these months in the coffee shop our foreplay,” William’s voice grew deeper, “so, yes. I plan to take you to my bed just as soon as I can.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. I knew I should be embarrassed by this conversation, which I was but only just a bit. I should’ve been outraged he wanted to have sex so soon but I couldn’t help feeling desired instead. Nothing was as I thought it’d be but then again, I never imagined meeting William.

  “And why the shot? We won’t use condoms?”

  “That’s what all this is for, sweet Aubrey. Once we’ve confirmed the tests and your shot is effective, we’ll have no need. There will be no barriers between us.”

  The ultimate intimacy, I thought. Was I ready for a relationship with no barriers? There’ll be no hiding, no way for me to keep part of myself separate and safe. I knew he was talking about condoms but his hidden meaning wasn’t lost on me.

  When I said nothing, William asked, “What else do you want to know?”

  I remained silent, not sure what to ask. I wasn’t sure what I needed to know. Maybe the unknown was safer for now.

  William stroked his hands lower, massaging just at the edge of my breasts and nearing a place where I was ready to ask for more – though more of what I wasn’t clear. "You understand that all these requirements are necessary. They’re for your benefit. They give you a clear understanding of how our relationship will work. But know our dynamic may change over time. I’ll be open to change as you grow."

  I had no idea his proposal would have so much detail. The rules seemed obvious though and the requirements were reasonable. I was expected to be honest, respectful and safe. If I were being perfectly honest with myself, I’d admit to feeling cherished under the rules in the agreement. I wondered though if it were possible to feel nervous, scared and overwhelmed at the same time.

  “Let’s talk about our limits. I plan to answer all your questions tonight before anything more intimate happens between us.” I tried to focus on his words but the soft stroking of his fingers on the underneath of my breast was distracting. “Aubrey, does this sound good?”

  I considered this. There’s so much unknown. Nevertheless, did I want to discuss this? Could I talk about the pictures I’d seen on-line? I hoped the images weren’t necessarily what William had in mind for us. Now to discuss them, the reality slapped me in the face. I couldn’t look the other way. I’d face the future head on.

  “Yes sir.”

  “Good. You’re so brave, my sweet Aubrey, so willing to trust me. I’ll need this trust as I train you.” I didn’t feel brave but I was happy William believed this about me.

  “T - Train me?” I could hardly get the words out. My heart was suddenly thundering at the mention of training. My head was spinning at such a formal term. I was not a puppy to be trained. I was not a soldier. What could he mean by training? I held my breath as I waited for his response.

  “I’ll train you, sexual training if you will, in the ways of submission. Once I’m finished, there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll be able to satisfy me in all ways. And through my satisfaction, you’ll found your own.”

  “It sounds so simple but on-line… the pictures… the things I read…” I rambled, not sure even what I meant to say.

  “Tell me about the things you saw on-line. I can assure you many of those pictures are far from our reality.” His voice remained calm, gentle, soft. It eased my anxiety some as I felt his steady heartbeat against my back.

  Then, without any filtering, I blurted it all out before I could think on it and stop myself. “Whips, chains, these awful leather harnesses and people crawling on leashes…” I could’ve gone on but I paused there when I felt the pressure of his hands squeezing my shoulders.

  “Aubrey, sweet Aubrey, these instruments,” William sighed, “they’re the extreme. There are so many types in this lifestyle but mine –ours now- was fairly simple in comparison to what I imagine you saw on-line. I was right to worry you’d research the term submission on-line and found these things.”

  I flushed when I thought back to some of those photos.

  William continued, “Will I want to restrain you? Yes. I use rope for that, deliciously soft rope. And then, only for our pleasure. Will I want to color your skin? Yes, but I’d want to feel your flesh against my own. There’s nothing that would convince me to forfeit that touch.” William stroked the bare skin of my shoulders and arms as I laid against him listening to his reassurances.

  “B - But the punishment?” I had to ask the question because it was all I could think of.

  “So eager to be naughty, are you, Aubrey?” He sighed but chuckled in the same breath. “Let’s talk of the play and pleasure for now. You’re wondrously innocent and I look forward to awakening you.”

  I sucked in my breath and held it. Awakening me? What could he mean and was it something I could handle? I was out of my element and the fear that I couldn’t please him roared from inside of me. I moved to sit up but his hold strengthened and he pulled me tight against him.

  “Breathe, sweet Aubrey, just breathe. Here’s my promise to you. I’ll do nothing to belittle you, degrade you. I don’t believe in humiliation – no leas
hes, no harnesses. I enjoy the lighter edge. And,” he paused as if considering his next words carefully, “mostly I enjoy the control, the dominance while you enjoy the submission. In some circles, I would be considered simply the head of the household taking his female in hand. Perhaps this description feels better to you than the Dominance and submission.”

  “This sounds very domestic,” I answered as I puzzled out the new definitions he’d thrown out now which seemed so different from what I’d found on-line.

  “You like it though, do you not? You believe you will thrive in this relationship.”

  “I d – don’t know.” I shivered as William’s hand came under my arms, one hand placed firmly to my breastbone, the other across my abdomen. He must’ve been able to feel the thundering of my heart.

  “I believe you do. You yearn to please. Do you not?” William’s hand was warm against my skin as his fingers found their way below my collar. The thumping of my heart was audible.

  “Yes sir.”

  “You yearn to be guided. Do you not?” William’s other hand found its way under the hem of my shirt, lightly applying pressure to my tummy.

  “Yes sir.”

  “You yearn for praise. Do you not?” William’s fingers brushed against the waistband of my jeans. My eyes fluttered closed. I could no longer keep them open under the assault of touches.

  “Yes sir.”

  “You need submission, sweet Aubrey, as if it were the air you breathe.” His breath warm against my neck, I was surrounded by William and could feel him everywhere. It should’ve been overwhelming. I should’ve been running but I melted instead. I melted into the hold he had on me. It was the safest I’d felt in all my life.